How to Get a Surprise Seaside Birthday Trip

Wait for your birthday.
Travel by train to a competition.
Ignore the announcement that the route has been modified due to signal failures. For best results, be sleep deprived and have your earphones in.
Wonder why so many people are leaving the train at the stop before yours.
Prepare to get off the train.
Watch in horror as your stop gets further and further away.
Get told the train won’t stop for another couple of hours until it reaches a station by the coast.
Look out of the window at the appropriate time to get a glimpse of the sea peaking through the gap between two houses as the sun sets. Appreciate the beauty of nature for a second before you’re pulled relentlessly onwards.
When the train finally stops, get off it and take the return train to your intended destination.
Fail to maximise pity points for your misadventure at the competition. Only get second place.

Comments

Keeping Up with the Cowdashians

Next week on Keeping Up with the Cowdashians … Buttercup voices concerns about Daisy’s plan to pose topless for Playbull magazine, fearing it’s perpetuating the male graze. Daisy points out that cows don’t wear clothes anyway, rendering Buttercup’s point mooooot. One of the most popular goose bands in the world, The Red Honk Chilli Peppers, is about to unveil their new member in a lavish event. Snowflake is over the moon when she receives an invite since she’s head over hooves in love with the lead singer. Drama arises when she beefs with protestors who want to ban gander reveal parties due to their tendency to go spectacularly wrong. CowyMcCowFace digests the shocking news she recently overherd about the farm next door. Then digests it again in her second stomach. And Ferdinand accidentally causes thousands of pounds of damage when shopping for a twentieth wedding anniversary gift. Coming up next, The Real Horsewives of New York say hay to their new neighhhbours, f

Fluid Running

My runs are rarely exciting. I enjoy running: it’s healthy and improvements are measurable. I also feel great after the run. However, the actual act of running - particularly if I’m by myself - is monotonous. My feet plod along the pavement. There are roads, cars, and other people to dodge (while internally complaining about their lack of spatial awareness because obviously I deserve the right of way in all situations). And that’s about it. As a distraction technique, I have a running playlist with pumpy, energetic songs that say stuff like “Everything hurts? Good. Push harder!”. Fun fact: Work Bitch by Britney Spears ended up as one of the top songs on my Spotify last year because of my repetitive use of the same playlist. Though I respond well to negative reinforcement, after hearing Britney ask if I wanted a Maserati an excessive number of times, I started wondering if I could be doing something more intellectually stimulating. I decided to occasionally swap out mu

Bad Apples

Have you ever had an issue where the apples you order for your grocery delivery have been unavailable so they’re swapped out for alternatives and the replacement apples you get are bigger and better quality and more expensive but you get them cheap because they aren’t your original choice and it sounds great at first but then you start eating the apples which turns out to be An Ordeal because these apples are double the size of the ones you’re used to and take so much more time and effort to eat and you can’t have half an apple and save the rest for later because that just feels weird but you don’t want to throw away an half-eaten apple either because that’s a waste so you just end up avoiding eating apples altogether to sidestep the problem. No? Um, neither have I.

Assorted Letters

Search This Blog